There was a man

It has been many years since I last wrote in this blog but something monumental has happened and I feel that for posterity purposes, I need to document it for myself and for him. I met a man who smelled nice, who had kind eyes, and a certain depth I had not yet totally figured out. I met him on all of five occasions, slept with him on two of those occasions, and had to end the relationship entirely within one month. When I met him, I was in the depths of a long term relationship exceeding 10 years. Sex had become somewhat monotonous and I had become bi-sexual by that point, despite my monogamous lesbian relationship. It was not like I wasn't busy enough with life's numerous demands and obligations, but I decided I needed to find a man with whom I could have passionate intense sex. Well, I found him. Unfortunately, my afterglow from fucking for 5 hours must have sent up a flair too bright. My Wife was able to tell something was up and went snooping. When she found out, she effectively gave me an ultimatum, quit him and work on the relationship, or she would quit me. She did not make that explicit threat but her intent was implied. Not a totally unreasonable proposition, yet a heart wrenching one for me... I had found my male unicorn. He was tall, 5'11. Dark hair. Dark eyes. Dark chest hair. Olive skin. Beautiful wingspan. Intelligent and kind. A real workaholic-a trait I find sexy as hell. Also, married. A trait I deliberately chose. I deliberately sought out a man who was unavailable. I figured a married status would better the odds I would not leave my wife as a result of the affair...and boy, was I right! This unicorn belonged to someone else. So, despite how intense I felt for him, and how much I would have loved to see him, talk to him, hear him, whisper to him, make love to him, I knew that the connectedness that I felt with him would ultimately leave me very vulnerable in light of his expected unavailability. So, to be fair to my true love, my wife, and to be fair to myself about my lover, I ended the affair. I am saddened not only for all the great sex we could have had but all of the ways he would have mystified me despite my best efforts to learn him. He was extremely guarded and I would have loved to have learned him. I went to a club last night, called "Bembe" in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and I kept thinking of how lovely it would have been for him to be there. It was a caribbean nightclub where they played afro caribbean dance tunes. I was shaking my ass for 3.5 hours. When I was there, I kept thinking of how fun it would have been if he was there dancing with me. I mourn the many intense moments we would have had together. So, as a result of this tryst, I have imposed a sort of self imposed exile upon myself. I plan to be out of the house for 5 weeks. I visit the house almost every day to see the children. I need to forget his smell. I need to forget the softness of his chest hair. I need to forget the ecstasy of feeling his most sensitive spots rubbing against mine. I need to forget the deepness of his eyes and the complicated nature of his soul. Funny because I started on this journey looking for sexual excitement and found someone who not only excited me but also intrigued me. I am too far of an intense person to engage in such a dalliance without bringing it to the next level. I am a romantic, after all. A plus to all of this is that I rediscovered an artist I loved in my early 20's, Rufus Wainwright. I downloaded a "best of" album. The ballad like melodic tunes really speak my soul right now. I am enjoying being alone. I have a lot to process and a lot that I need to deal with right now.